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[Paul Lismore] World Cup 2022 : England pou gagner grace au jeune et dynamique Pravind Kumar Jugnauth...


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Mercredi 22 Décembre 2021



[Paul Lismore] World Cup 2022 : England pou gagner grace au jeune et dynamique Pravind Kumar Jugnauth...
Oui, mes chers compatriotes! Prakash Montrou in fek avoy moi copy ene lettre ki Pravind Jugnauth in avoy Boris Johnson, Premier Ministre Anglais.

Li dire Johnson, a nou blier nou la guerre lor Chagos, blier ki mo ti apel Anglais ban hypocrites, mai pou linteret superieur de nou 2 pays, a nou met la main ensam et gagne sa sanpiona la. Kom ene gran patriote, Pravind in dire Boris ki li pou donne li so top team pou zouer dan tou match a Qatar, et akoz pa ene lekip katar sa, la victoire garanti, li dire...Ala so lettre:

My dear Boris,

We must put aside all our differences and work together so that England can win the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. As you know, we have more England supporters here in Mauritius than you have in the UK. We celebrate victories not with fights, throwing Cornish pasties at each other, or being so drunk that people piss in public and are sick over each other. Oh no! Here, we celebrate with a volley of fireworks that go on long into the night. We do not sing the boring " Football's coming home" or the tedious "We are the champions!".

Oh no! We prefer to sing about our marital status and to declare us the " mari" of every team in the world! When we meet, I'll teach you " Nou ki mari! Lalmagne Pisso! Itali pisso! La France, pisso et manzerre crapo!" We really have so much fun here...You should visit us in an evening when Manchester United are playing Liverpool, and you will not believe your ears...or your eyes, when you see the huge number of brown Englishmen and women in Mauritius celebrating, and making Manchester the mari of Liverpool or vice versa...  

You must have seen the name of our beautiful island in Anfield, even if the chap in charge of that little task somehow spelt it as "MAURITUS", which is quite weird. Imagine someone with so many vowels in his own name, Nilen Sipakisamy, missing out a vowel in the name of our country! You see, we have a great sense of humour here in Mauritius because we nominate all sorts of idiots to head our institutions...Just for a laugh, you see.

As you know, I have a top team in Mauritius straining at the leash to help make England the World Champions. I am sure you have heard of our world renowned stars, and I'll let you salivate over the prospect of this team winning the championship for England:

1/ Goalkeeper: the one and only Navin Beekarry. Yes Boris, Gordon Banks was outstanding, as was Peter Shilton and the others. But as we say here, pena personne ki konne barre goals pli bien ki Navin! Whether it is a close range header, an overhead kick, a 30 yard screamer, a penalty kick, a free kick, or a tap in, Navin will perform all sorts of acrobatics to stop the ball going in! Especially if it is an orange one...He is so good that he washes and launders all the dirty kits too...And he loves a good Angus steak so much that he has been chewing it for the last 7 years... Even though some anti patriots say that his face looks like a bum and call him "chuttur ka mou", our goalkeeper keeps saving the goals...

2/3: Central defenders: Forget Bobby Moore, Franz Beckenbauer, or Maguire! You will never get two better stoppers than Anooj the idiot (from the MBC, otherwise known as My Brainwashing Centre...) and Dick the Prick from ICTA, in the middle of your defence! In any tricky situation that the team may find itself in, these two are excellent at either simply ignoring the problem completely, or pointing at something else so that no one sees the original problem! 2 magicians, really.... 

4: Right back: No one better than Catherine Bourtou, who gives the impression of being to the right of Adolf Hitler, but she is very good at infiltrating from the right into the middle of government, sorry the field. She will do anything for any attention, so watch out for fouls from her, specially from behind...

5/ Left Back: We are spoilt for choice here, as anyone from MBC, or MorpIoN News, or Wazaa, or Insane News could easily fit into this position. They will tackle fearlessly and shamelessly, and will have no problem shedding a crocodile tear with their victim writhing in pain.... They are real pros, although nasty people will tell you that pros like these are usually found in Zardin Konpagni...

6/7/ 8/ Midfield: We have a world class midfield of Vikram Jootun, Jimmy Jean Louis, and Krsna Coopoosamy. You don't mind if Jootun plays with his sunglasses on top of his head, do you? He can score from a distance, esp when Playing Pitins Sociable, known here as PPS....

Please ignore the blasphemous absence of vowels in Coopoosamy's first name, or the fact that he gives us Insane News, but this chap is so good at spreading Fake News that the opposition will be so confused that it will pass the ball back to our players! As for Jimmy Jean Louis, he is a man for all seasons. Don't be misled with the grotesque shape of his body! He is a living embodiment of how mediocrity can really excel when patriots provide him with the opportunity. Tends to dribble a lot, or as others say, to wazz a lot..  

9/10/11: You will agree, my dear Boris, that there has never been in the history of football a better forward line up than Sherry Maharajah, Sunil Gohin, and Lee Ki Shim. Those three are absolutely loaded...with skills that will enchant the world. Lee Ki Shim can make donkeys win against horses, an exploit often achieved at our Champs de Mars, and there is no doubt that the goalkeeper of the opposite team will be begging for a carrot from him before the end of the game! Sunil Gohin (please refrain from saying his name whilst speaking through your nose...) has come out of nowhere to barge straight into the first team. He keeps a low profile, but knows how to wazz a way past defences....As for Sherry Maharajah, he is the King of strikers. Has been known to score even in swimming pools, he is that good. Always willing to take a call, even though his cameras are crap and rather unsafe....  

As a bonus, my dear Boris, we will lend you these three officials who will guarantee England a victory even if the other team has scored more goals!

Referee: Red Card Phokeer who will order people out or invite them to walk out...When a ball has crossed our goal line, he will insist that it has not and will tell people to "Bousse ou VAR!"

Assistant Referees: 1/ Mumbling Nazurally. Opposite players won't understand what he says and our players can go and score whilst they still try to understand him...

2/ Maya Hanoomanjee, a real patriot who has come out of retirement because she really misses telling the opposite team, " I order you out!". And she provides excellent biscuits for energy to our players throughout the match...

What do you think, my dear Boris? As we say here, li bon, li pa bon? Accept my offer and we will be World champions. Football's coming home! Next time I see you, I will make you taste my special delicacy known as Rougaye Angus, ok? It won't cost you or I a penny, believe me.

Yours Sincerely
Pravind Kumar Jugnauth.

Mercredi 22 Décembre 2021

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