Paul Lismore


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Mardi 9 Juin 2020

Please people, we were used to seeing his face in our newspapers and on that thing called the MBC every other day.

He is a fabulous singer, with the catchy refrain that always bowls us over, " Nou p enkor etidier dossiers la". He holds the Guiness Book of World Records in the category of " Most prodigious dossier reader", and has consistently come top in the category of " Met dossiers dan tiroir et blier". 

We mock the French for having their Inspector Clouseau, and the Brits for their Mr Bean, but our man surpasses those two buffoons in terms of fucking up investigations, or in his case, starting them when he feels like it but never finishing them, esp if it concerns a thief of the 'nou bann' variety, i.e. a pot washer in la cuisine. Statues of him have been erected in many gardens by people grateful for his 'etidier dossiers et aprer blier zot"....

Our Mr Bean, or to be more precise in our creole language, Nou Missier Zariko, is a real marvel. He only has to mention the IMF and the World Bank and our wonderful zourlanus immediately refer to him as a top man of those global institutions, even though he never was one....

Yes, he is a real gem, that one. We moan today about ministers receiving Rs 350,000 per month from us but say nothing when Missier Zariko was taking that amount from us when he was first appointed as boss of ICAC in...2003! No one knows how much he earns now, but justice demands that the accumulation of numerous dossiers that li in etidier et met dan tiroir since his return deserves at least twice that amount! Let justice prevail if we are giving him less than that! Nou dan ene etat de droit, after all!

A great deal of research has been undertaken by Stanford, Oxford, and Cambridge universities, and so far no one has been able to come up with any case where the chief corruption investigator of any country in the world has abandoned his own appeal after years of studying the dossier....

Our indomitable investigator and fearless fighter against corruption remains the only example where just before an appeal is to be heard by the Privy Council, he pops up uninvited and puts in a submission that " Sorry, Your Lordships, I got it all wrong! This man is not guilty!" The Medpoint appeal remains the only case where the prosecutor sides with the accused. 

He really is a diamond, our Missier Zariko. No one knows who paid for his flights, per diem etc when he turned up unannounced at the Privy Council. But we do know that our Mr Bean, also known as Brooke Bond when he pretends to be James Bond, has travelled more than almost anyone else around the world at our expense. Zot koir facile sa? Arete kritik li! Boug la bizin etidier kouma le res du monde p etidier zot dossiers, non? Et kommien tiroir zot ena dan zot cabinet pou met ban dossiers la ladan aprer, non?

Yesterday, we were told from the African Bank of Development that " Evidence supports a finding that Burmeister & Wain, on a balance of probabilities, financially rewarded members of the Mauritian administration and others, through the intermediary of third parties, for providing access to confidential tender-related information which allowed them to tailor the technical specifications of the tenders to its offering, thus gaining an undue competitive advantage over other tenderers. Burmeister & Wain further concealed the arrangements it had entered into with the third parties, in breach of the rules governing the tenders."

B ki zot envi Missier Zariko fer? Investigate sa? Eoula! So biro sitan renpli ar dossiers ki li p etidier ki souvan li pa koner kot so la porte eter pou li sorti! Have some pity, people!

I think the fact that he has not been seen in public for months now would suggest the poor man can't find his way out of his office because of the huge number of dossiers li p etidier. Please, if you know anyone who works at ICAC, tell them that Missier Zariko is now on the Missing list and that many serviteurs du pays are worried that someone competent might replace him and start to etidier their dossiers properly....

Or maybe, the ICAC staff know, but are happy not to see him outside his office...They think he is a real treasure, and therefore, like all good treasures, they are best kept buried....

Finally, a photo of Missier Zariko and a monkey from London Zoo, a place which he has no doubt visited on his numerous missions en fesse abroad...

Mardi 9 Juin 2020

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