Paul Lismore


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Lundi 28 Juin 2021

Forget the wise words of Confucius all those centuries ago that you should " Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life."

Modern Mauritius does not have the time for such lofty ideals, for a romanticised notion of what work should mean to all of us. No, my dear friends, work in Mauritius now means making the most money for the least amount of effort possible, or to bullshit your way into positions that are way above your mediocre qualifications through the judicious use of your tongue and praising the idiots who hold power.

Let us first look at some of the jobs that provide the most financial rewards in Mauritius:

1/ Banker: If you are a mediocre accuntant who knows nothing about banking, then of course you are eminently qualified to be the Governor of the Bank of Mauritius. If the whole purpose of your life is to obey the orders of someone perhaps more stupid but infinitely more pompous and arrogant than you, then carrying out the instructions of Padaleksi is your mission in life, even if it bankrupts the island. Yes Harvesh, how much will you earn this year for being such a buffoon? Rs 20 millions?

2/ If there is any specimen that is worse than an accuntant, then it is the accuntant who becomes administrator of companies in difficulties, and fucks them to death. The "Hajee" accuntant, the Katar going under the name of Sattar, took great delight in selling Dawood Rawat's BAI worth billions of rupees for one rupee, and then to show how well connected he is, he had to make a phone call to the one he cringingly calls " Boss" and tell him the 'good news"...all in the presence of his helpless victim.
He is now in the process of showing us that his stupidity and greed has no limits as he sets about butchering Air Mauritius, and selling planes for a fraction of their real price, all in complete opacity of course....

3/ You could become a doctor and prescribe Paracetamol for every type of illness known to the medical world. As a bonus, the grateful patient will thank you for being such a wonderful doctor simply because " li in donne moi meksine!", and slip you the Rs 1000 note for your 5 minute 'consultation' with a grateful smile. But God help you if you refuse to give the patient a prescription! You will then be the subject of vitriolic conversations along the theme of " Dokter sa? Poules meme pou refiz al consilter ar li. Al guet li, et li pa in donne moi oken prescription!", followed by a few expletives.

Or if a patient dies because of your criminal negligence and lack of basic medical knowledge, don't worry! God, i.e. the General Medical Council and the minister, will obstruct the smooth running of any 'investigation' until the relative making the complaint has died too out of frustration and disgust. The chances of you being found guilty of anything are about the same as you winning the lottery, i.e. next to nil.

4/ The same goes for the police, unless you happen to be a ti gablou when you might be made an example of, just to show Lepep Kouyon that we have an accountable police force... But the senior police officers, including the Commissioner, can sleep easy, as long as their tongues remain firmly stuck to the Prime Minister's anal orifice.

5/ The second best job in the world has to be that of a politician that Lepep Kouyon has sent to the National Assembly. These days, if he is a good tabla player, then the world really is his/her oyster. All that the poor sap has to do for the Rs 175,000 to Rs 350,000 a month we give him/her is to bang the desk even when the PM says, " Sa carri gro poi la p fer moi mari pete! Senti sa, Steve!"

We now come to the climax of this post: the best job in L'ile Moriste. Yes, my friends, this top job requires no educational qualifications, no morality certificate, nothing apart from spouting pure bullshit all day long, and exploiting fully the gullibility and stupidity of many Mauritians. Even the educated ones will fall for your bullshit because they just cannot believe their luck that despite having personalities like wet blankets, they could be so fortunate in leading such wonderful lives where they have everything.

They start to believe that there must be a "gran dimoune ki p vey zot", and when you really believe this, what is your next step? You of course visit the bullshitter who tells you that he is in direct contact with gran dimoune la!

Who is more stupid than our politicians? Ok, let us narrow it down and ask "Who is more stupid than Yogida?" Yes, Yogida the yokel, the dunce who is still thanking his lucky stars that he had the good fortune to take Nandinee's photo. Such an act of unrestrained machismo, gallantry, and bravura impressed someone so clever that people call him le ti cretin to such an extent that he was given a ticket and made a minister 3 times! That is the sum total of Yogida's achievements so far...

So, what do you do when you feel you don't deserve all that luck and that there must be a gran dimoune who is looking after you? You visit a poussari/treter! You even see him before and after Friday's cabinet meeting, and even phone him when you are having your first shit of the morning! The State lands that have magically fallen into your hands, you pass on to your treter to look after....

Some people go even further, much further. Some women in particular will succumb to the inevitable threat of the treter that " si li pa fer sa travay la, pou ariv kitsoz grav". And how do you stop "kitsoz grave arriver"? You of course let the treter fuck you, and on top of that, you give him thousands of rupees that you can ill afford to part with! And you do that repeatedly until your bank manager tells you that you have no money left....

On balance, I think you will agree that if you are an ace bullshitter, then becoming a treter is your vocation in life in L'Ile Moriste. It has to be, as many renowned bullshitters, our politicians, often visit our treter, because they simply cannot believe their luck that morons like them could end up having so much power and money.
If you don't believe me, ask Yogida. His treter has even given him selective amnesia and a stupidity that has yet to be matched...and despite that, he is a multi millionaire.

Lundi 28 Juin 2021

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