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Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] Premium Travel Visa: The delights of paradise island awaiting unsuspecting foreigners...


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Jeudi 29 Octobre 2020



Yes folks! Thanks to Nilen Sipakisamy of MPTA, the philanthropist to Liverpool with Rs 400 millions of our money, and Hanoomanjee's daughter...no silly!

Not the one who buys biscuits at Rs 5 and sells them to you lovely foreigners at Rs 750, duty free prices siouplai! Not her! The other one who got appointed despite not knowing she had applied for the job...).

Those two members of ASNEM, the club reserved for pretentious idiots who have failed their MENSA test, have devised a wonderful plan for you to spend up to a year in Mauritius! You can now apply for a Premium Travel Visa where you will see the following wonderful things every day. 

1/ You spoilt, pampered Europeans! You are so used to buying tomatoes all year round at Rs 25 a pound despite your crappy, snowy weather, and other fresh vegetables very cheaply. Come to Paradise island where the green fertile land has been concreted over, and many of the best portions have been stolen, sorry taken, by the "Patriotes". Here, you will see that we value good, nutritious vegetables so much that we always sell them at a premium price which most people cannot afford... 

2/ You hypocrites, esp the English, as our lovely PM calls them! Just because Lewis Hamilton is the world champion Formula 1 racing driver (again!), you think you can drive better than us? Here, we can guarantee that you will see Mauritians driving at night with no lights on ( ekonomiz battri, do!), driving straight over roundabouts, making their cars give long passionate kisses to lamp posts, trees, other vehicles, and unsuspecting pedestrians, and their favourites: motocyclists, cyclists, and old people! We do not believe in Zebra crossings! Zebras live in forests and plains, not on roads! Here, when many see a zebra crossing, they accelerate to see whether they will be lucky today and catch one...

3/ You and your Yorkshire Ripper, Boston strangler, mass murderers! You think you are better than us? Here, we live in a democracy and we believe in sharing the workload amongst different murderers! So, almost every day, you will hear of someone being murdered, and our justice system will show you how seriously we take crime. The murderer will be released soon after being charged , and even after he has admitted his guilt! As we say in Mauritius, Sakili! We give everyone, including murderers and serious criminals, a chance to enjoy freedom as much as possible! In 10 years' time, our lovely courts will deal with the matter and most probably will downgrade the murder charge to one of coups et blessures, so that the poor pet can receive a short sentence. 

4/ If you get involved in an accident, don't worry! The case will drag on for years and years and your Premium Travel Visa can be renewed every year until you either die or the case is at last heard by some magistrate....

5/ If you happen to get murdered whilst in Paradise Island, don't worry. The Premium Travel Visa will allow your relatives to visit us every year where they will see at first hand that our police officers in CCID are too busy dealing with some complaint by either a politician or a "Patriote", and will eventually get to your complaint when scientists finally manage to locate the brain of Donald Trump....

6/ You foreigners believe you are so superieur, non? Pfffft! Here, in Paradise Island, we will show you every day how your inventions, like rubbish bins, are quite crap really. You only have to walk on our beautiful beaches and you will see how rubbish bins are very much surplus to requirement. We love to embellish nature with all our rubbish, you see? And then we will always find someone else to blame...

7/ You people have never really tasted good food until you try our gato pimans, bien chaud chaud, lovingly fried by someone constantly wiping the snot in his nose with the back of his hand...Cordon Bleu? Bousser le tonkin! Sa ki apel manzer kram kram!

8/ Foreigners are always fighting about their religions, their Gods, their culture. Here, in Paradise Island, you will never see ONE fanatical person, because even the most hardened fanatic will deny that he/she is one! As we all love to say, "Nou viv dan ene pays multikiltirel, multi pliriel (pa singulier..), nou respet tou relizions! Nou viv en paix, nou partaz gato Divali, souhaute joyeux Noel, partaz briani Eid, Rasson Cavadee, etc,.,.."

So, don't be alarmed when you see some idiots making all sorts of ludicrous justifications for the latest beheadings in France or making fantastic claims about the uniqueness and superiority of their religion, or many brain dead individuals springing into action as soon as anyone sharing their religion is criticised! It is all done in good fun, because dan Maurice nou respet tou relizions et nou viv en harmoni....

9/ Finally, you will get the incredible chance of seeing something quite unique: Your ministers in Europe have to travel in their own personal cars. Here, we are so rich that as soon as we elect a new government, immediately, we splash out Rs 100 millions for brand new limousines for our ministers and PPS! The icing on the cake?

All traffic is forced to stop to allow the PM, his Rs 35 million limousine, and his army of personal gablous to get him to his next koup riban ceremony. Worse, much worse, is the sight of someone who does absolutely nothing, who we call the President, stopping all traffic so that he can get to his vegetable plots, which he tells us he adores....

Go on, say it, "Sakili!" You soon will be able to master that Mauritian cry of appreciation when midway through your first Premium Travel Visa, you realise that this is no etat de droit, this is no democracy, and idiots voted by a Lepep Kouyon can do what the hell they want...Because "pouvoir dan nou la main!".

Jeudi 29 Octobre 2020

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