Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] Letter to minister Jagutpal

Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Mercredi 8 Juillet 2020

Dear sir,
              It is now public knowledge that anyone can become overnight a multi millionaire, simply by getting you to approve one of those "emergency" contracts for medicines and medical products.

This is despite the fact that only a few months ago, you reassured us that we have at least a year's supply in stock. I know that it is hard for Mauritians to entertain themselves during these terrible days of Covid-19, so it is nice to see that a daily visit to the pharmacy appears to have now become the main hobby for us.

After all, is there a better way to spend these long days than queuing up outside a pharmacy whilst playing the game of " Who is behind that mask" and waiting to spend a fortune on drugs that are not only prohibitively expensive, but which most of us do not need and yet still buy buy because so and so has told us that 'so dokter in dire li ki sa meme ki gueri tou maladi sa!"?

We notice that any company can apply and get one of those emergency contracts, even if they know as much about medicines and medical products as Navin Beekarry knows about combating corruption, i.e. nothing.

For example, a company called Bo Digital Co Ltd ( not to be confused with Bo Selecta, the English TV sketch show, although it is hard to notice the difference...) which specialises in publicity has obtained a contract for Rs 310 millions.

None of us of course knew that Bo Digital were experts in Thermal cameras (at Rs 700,000 a throw siouplai...), in masks, goggles etc. Then we have the condemned fraudster, Bissoon Mungroo, arguably a fine baker of birthday cakes as SAJ would attest, and an owner of hotels that many of us would rather avoid, getting a contract for Rs 10 millions for masks again!

Are you thinking of holding a fancy dress party soon, minister? There must be a reason for the purchase of all those masks, non? Especially as we were told that Jack Ma, the Chinese super entrepreneur and benefactor, had given us for free a huge number of did Modi's India. What has happened to those masks, we wonder?

We found out today from Yogida Sawmynaden that a company that no one had ever heard of and which is not even in our Register of Companies, has obtained a contract worth Rs 476 millions for, wait for it, fucking masks again!

Dear minister, We really hope that with all these masks, your fancy dress party will be something that will beat all previous Bal masques!

That company is known as Pack and Blister and is apparently based in Spain. Only the Good Lord knows how an unknown company based in Spain heard about this small island where the 'patriots' are shelling out a vast fortune for masks that they do not need, as they already have far too many... 

Minister Jagutpal, we value your sense of dedication to the cause of making absolute unknowns become multimillionaires overnight. We can only approve of such devotion to duty and your sense of patriotism. We would therefore like to introduce our company so that our name can be favourably considered when you dish out more emergency contracts for things that Mauritians do not really need.

Our company was created last night over a bottle of rhum and some nice cornes frits. We are very concerned about the coronavirus, and we worry that that stupid virus might become enmeshed in our pubic hairs and therefore cause a second 'coming', as it were...

We have decided to call our company "NUTS, SACK, AND BALLS", and we do not care if some cynics and anti patriotes will refer to us a the "Meat and Two veg" company. We want to do our patriotic duty and provide expensive stuff to Mauritians, even if they don't need them. We anticipate a wave of people buying our products, simply because, in true Mauritian fashion,  they will say to each other, "Li in asseter ene, li et li p fer gran nwar ar sa! Ki dimounes pou dire si nou pa asseter pou nou?"

Let us reassure you about the price, dear minister. They will cost about 50 cents to produce, but we are prepared to sell them to you at Rs 100 each, which you will agree is a real bargain...

Dear Minister, you know it makes sense. With clean nuts, sacks, and balls, we will fight this virus together! Ensam, pena narien ki pou barre nou! As a bonus, we will manufacture some female versions of nuts, sacks and balls, and call them the " Clean Canyons". I am sure your colleague with the lipstick and the stupid face will advertise it in Bhojpuri, if needs be. Although to be fair, Lachanya and Grand Canyon seem to go well together.

We look forward to your positive reply as soon as possible. Forget masks and thermal cameras! The future is Nuts, Sacks, and Balls! The world will be a lot better when Nuts, Sacks, and Balls enter the Grand Canyons!

The ball is now in your court, Minister. In the meantime, we will hold on to our Nuts, Sacks, and Balls, and pray that you know how to play with your ball....

Remember, "Ready to serve" is the motto of Nuts, Sacks, and Balls Co Ltd...Come and play, Minister because it is really time for new balls. Once you approve this contract too, it will really be Game, Set, and Match for the economy of your island. Onward and forward, we thrust together...
Yours faithfully,

Mercredi 8 Juillet 2020

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