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Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] Jagutpal, mo p avoy toi ene email, donne contrat la tanto, ok ?


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Samedi 11 Décembre 2021



Dear Mr Jagutpal, the best health minister in the whole world, and the psychiatrist who does not believe in the philosophy of "Physician, heal thyself",

My friends and I created and registered a company last week, which we have called "CHATWA, CHOR, AND BANRWA co ltd". We specialise in turning chicken shit into lovely manure, and in order to maximise our profits, we often secretly add cow shit to the mixture, and we tell the customers, " Nou servi zis kk gro poules nou, akoz sa ena boukou fimier".

Since last week, our knowledge of chicken shit has allowed us to branch out and to specialise in pharmaceutical products...Most people would think that it would be a very difficult thing to do, but you, minister, and our wonderful Prime Minister, have provided so many opportunities and opened so many doors with your outstandingly refreshing approach to tenders and your patriotic use of taxpayers' money. Now, anyone can obtain contracts for anything, irrespective of experience, knowledge, or expertise. This is real democracy and the world ought to learn from Mauritius!

We noticed on our journeys to examine the quality of the chicken shit that many people, especially men, like to scratch their arses in public, and do not seem to care that there are other people around. Some of them shove their whole hands between their cheeks, as if they are trying to dig some long forgotten treasure which has become adamantly stuck to their arses. 
 
Well, we have come up with the perfect solution, and at a price that will make all long established providers green with envy. We would here like to convey our thanks to the gentleman who is considering our tender for providing as main course on Air Mauritius, our world renowned " Chicken a la sauce kkvache", with the option to go for "Chicken a la sauce kk poule", for the many gran nwar on these flights : Mr Ken Arianus. It is his name that has prompted our desire to venture into the huge market for medication to stop people scratching their arses in public.

Yes, Honourable Minister Jagutpal, provider of jackpot winning lotteries for bizoutiers, Quincailleri, Bissoon the goon Mungroo, Yogida's friends/mistress/preferred murderers, and so many other patriots, you will agree that arse scratching in public is quite disgusting, and the people who do that often suffer from haemorrhoids or piles, or as they say in Mauritius, Emohit. My 5 year old son went on Google and was all excited to tell me: " Eski ou koner ki ena ene meksine ki ena nom Arianus?" When I checked it, yes my 5 year old pyare babu was right: ANUSOL, a soothing ointment that targets the burning, and itching symptoms of hemorrhoids! It can be used as a cream, as an ointment, or as a suppository for those adventurous people who like it up there, or as a wipe.

They are quite cheap to buy, but we propose to sell them at 800% the normal price. Li bon, li pa bon? Of course, normal rates of baksheesh will apply, with a hefty amount going into the secret bank account of you know who...

It is understood that if any of the Tendering people try to cause any problem, then arrangements will be made for an unscheduled trip to Gris Gris. and we will hear no more of that nonsense....

As per normal procedure, on receipt of this email, please make the High Level Committee approve it tomorrow, so that we can start helping the unfortunate people who insist on scratching their arses in public.

It is our patriotic duty to help the arse scratchers of this island. Manraj, "Hajee" Abdoullah, Arianus, and so many others are excellent examples of arse scratchers who have made it good.....

Our solicitors are Sue, Take the Money, and Run, and they really believe in the Rule of Law...Same as all of us in our Etat de Droit.

Yours Sincerely

Chatwa, Chor, and Banrwa Co Ltd
Purveyors of all things designed to make your arse more comfortable.
"Cheap at the price!" is our motto. or " Anusol, your sphincter's best friend"...
p.s. " Cheap at the price" is in tribute to our chicken who go "cheep, cheep" when they provide us with all that chicken shit for your excellent manure.

Samedi 11 Décembre 2021

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