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Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] HOW TO BECOME RICH AS WELL AS BEING AN ARSEHOLE IN THE ERA OF LA CUISINE....


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Jeudi 2 Juillet 2020



1/ First of all, although it is not absolutely necessary, join le defi/radio plus, as that organisation seems to be the perfect nursery for arselickers and roder bouttes.

Then call yourself a 'journalist' even if you do not know the first thing about real journalism. Master a few phrases that our zourlanus love to use, like 'travaille d'arrache pied" (if you are 'reporting' on a case being investigated by police officers),  "jambes en l'air" especially when you want to describe the sexual escapades of young people, and please make sure you list the names of all the police officers investigating any crime because that is what you think your readers will want to see, although that particular detail is irrelevant and only serves to pad up your article rather aimlessly...Also, never forget to use "du rififi", and last but not least, "ouf de soulagement"....

Once you have mastered those little gems, you are well on your way to becoming one of our zourlanus, and you can then adopt the arrogant attitude that seems to be a natural personality trait of most of your colleagues.

2/ Once you have become a zourlanus, you need to become friendly with someone who shares your intelligence level and whose aim in life is to, like you, servi nou pays and in the process become rich.

So, find yourself a politician, esp one from a party that will do anything in order to win the elections. Once your idol is elected, he will choose you to be his attache de presse, mostly because he wants to look clever when standing next to someone like you.

If an attache de presse post is not available, then put your tongue into overdrive, and start licking the parts that nothing else can reach. Whilst you are indulging yourself in your favourite hobby, make your few brain cells work overtime and come up with an idea so banal, so bankal that other zourlanus/attache de presse/soucerres will curse you because they did not come up with that insane idea first. 

2/ In other words, do an Ajagen Runghen:

Write a 'biography' of the Prime Minister, which is not a biography as such but a public demonstration of how to lick arse properly. Fill it up with numerous photos because you are acutely aware that your vocabulary ranges only from your house to the end of the road a few yards away. Call it something grandiose like "SAJ de A a Z" even though it is debatable that you yourself know all the letters of the alphabet...

You know the old man will feel an unusual sensation in his loins when he reads the title and dribbles over all the glossy pics, and asks you with a great deal of emotion, " ki job to envi mo donne toi, mo piti?".

3/ But you are clever enough to know that you can't just satisfy the King without pleasing the real power behind the throne too.

So, out comes " Lady Sarojini Jugnauth, une femme exemplaire", another waste of several precious trees in order to show the world that when it comes to arse licking, you are in a sphincter of your own...

4/ So, where do you go after le defi?

A nomination at MTPA, of course, and you take your good friend from le defi, Azeem Khodabux, your very, very, very close friend Azeem the driver to MTPA too. But when that nasty Pravind Jugnauth became PM and wanted to get rid of a few useless utensils from la cuisine, you went bleating to the A to Z old man, who arranged for you to join that fictitious group known as the " News Team" at the MBC. Again, your very, very, very, very close friend Azeem followed you because as you know, the MBC that we all pay for really belongs to mari zot mama...

5/ There is a very strong rumour that since you wrote your first masterpiece, SAJ de A a Z, your fortunes have improved tremendously and have gone from A to Z too. Do these shops belong to you, Azagen and your very, very, very close friend Azeem? 

"AR Collections" vetements femme a Grand Baie, Goolands, Souillac..
 1 Bijouterie "AR bijoux luxe" a Tamarin et Le Hochet. 
"AR stationery and library".
Now, does the A in AR refer to Ajagen Rungen or to Ajagen and Azeem? You do make a lovely couple, after all...

7/ The whole world of course knows, apart from the MRA, ICAC, FIU, etc, that the easiest way to launder dirty money is through shops, esp clothes shops. That is not to say that you are into that sordid business too...After all, a patriote can only do so much...

6/ Is it also true that you have a nice slot at Plaisance Airport for your literary masterpieces? And that the SAJ one in particular is now on the bookshelves of the libraries of all our colleges? At Rs 850 a throw, that is good business, ARsehole! 

7/ I won't mention the bungalow that you bought in Trou aux Biches since 2015, parski zis ban zalou, ban anti patriotes ki pou mentionne sa!

8/ Some people are saying that you will soon leave the MBC (What a terrible loss for our incredibly mediocre national TV, otherwise known as TV la cuisine...) and take direct employment with SAJ and the 'exemplaire" Lady. You and Azeem of course....

I don't believe this, because Anooj really loves you and he will be heartbroken if you leave him alone. In fact, he loves you so much that despite your incredibly rude and offensive reportage at Pere Laval, and your odious misrepresentation of the facts by putting the blame of homelessness on the Church instead of on the government, you still reign supreme at the MBC, in the same way that the biggest turd always floats to the top...and Anooj loves having you around.

Ajagen or Azagen: the perfect symbol of how our standards have dropped enormously since 2014, and how the shits on this island make money at our expense.

Jeudi 2 Juillet 2020

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