Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] Following Obeedoobeedoo's stirring appeal for patriotism in parliament yesterday

Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Mercredi 19 Août 2020

These are the speeches that political leaders from the opposition will make to foreign TV stations in the following days:

1/ Navin Ramgoolam to the BBC: I may have given the impression the other day that Pravind Jugnauth's government had sat on its arse for 12 days instead of doing anything to prevent this environmental disaster. I was wrong. Let me say it loud and clear:

Pravind Jugnauth has been by far our sexiest, most intelligent, and most capable Prime Minister Mauritius has ever had. You see, we have a wonderful game in Mauritius called, "if the meteo tells us it is going to rain, we know that the sun will shine all day long".

It is not his fault that our meteo services told him that the sea was rough and that no salvage exercises could be performed. The fact that little boats could be seen around the shipwreck is neither here nor there. Our Prime Minister knows best, and he knows how to keep his powder dry....

May I add something? Countries around the world are complaining about lack of growth. Not Mauritius! Our ever so gorgeous Prime Minister has provided us with an amazing growth in our balance of trade deficit and our national debt. From just over Rs 200 billions in 2014, we now have a debt of Rs 400 billions. As we say here, Sakili! This is real growth!

Paul Berenger to French TV: Un oeuf is un oeuf! Enough is enough! I will not have any talk about the incompetence of this government! We know that all our ministers are patriots!

They tell us often enough that they are, and like good patriotic citizens, we believe them. No one could have done more to prevent this environmental tragedy. (Aside from the TV interviewer: " Maybe you should have no one as Prime Minister as he/she would have done more!").

Many people say that Pravind Jugnauth is a ti cretin, but what they mean of course is that he is a ti malin. Ti malin, not ti cretin! You Westerners are jealous because our seas are not a monotonous, boring blue, but now has a lovely, oily black veneer all over it. It is all thanks to Pravind Jugnauth, the best Prime Minister this country has been ever so lucky to have.

Arvin Boolell to Channel 4 News: I agree with everything that the 2 ex PM have said. You have to be very unpatriotic to say that our government has done nothing.

As Pravind Jugnauth himself often says, he never lies, his hands are clean, he is a poor boy from the ghetto, and he loves our people. It is not his fault that he is surrounded by stupid advisers and by even more stupid experts. What could the poor man do? His advisers, his experts, even the meteo were telling him: " Be careful! Take your time! Take at least 12 days before you do anything to prevent this disaster! All the very delicate stuff from Wakaisho needs to be removed first!"

He has even told us that God is in charge of the weather, so what could the poor man do? Leave him alone! Like I do, with my soft as shit PNQs....

Xavier Duval to some French TV station: Av u ever put a sapo lapaille on ze ed and felt ze breeze from ze sea on ur face? Now, you can even smell ze petrol, and it is high quality! It is all due to our lovely Prime Minister, who did his patriotic duty by doing nothing. He is a hero. Lepep Mauricien luvs im! 

Roshi Bhadain to every TV station on earth: Let me tell you that I am proud to have kissed the hand of the best Prime Minister who has ever existed in the whole, wide world! If it was not for Pravind Jugnauth, our seas would be covered with thick, greasy oil! (Interviewers: "But your seas are covered with that filthy stuff now!").

You people are so negative! It is this colonial mentality that stops you from seeing greatness even when it is right in front of you. And Pravind Jugnauth has to be the best Prime Minister of any country in the world! Can't you see a basic truth? If the coast guards did not see the ship until it had crashed into our reefs, if the meteo kept saying the weather was bad even though my farts blew more wind on those days than the weather did, if the Prime Minister was chairing more committees than most people had ever heard of, how can you expect him to send our valiant coast guards, our Special Immobile Force, and anyone else in uniform in those places of great danger? No Sir, like a good PM, he let lepep Mauricien brave that danger and clean the mess with their bare hands instead! That is the mark of a truly great Prime Minister!

Parti Malin to anyone willing to listen: Lil Moriste entier saluer le gran patriote Pravind Jugnauth. Si pa ti ena li kom Premier Ministre, bato la ti pou fini rant dan lakaz dimoune, et capitaine la ti pou manz carri et farata dan la cuisine ene pov pecheur! Moi mo dire ki nou bizin donne li pa sa Rs 500-600,000 sak moi ki nou donne li, mai bizin donne li la bank Moriste meme! Voices from the crowd: "Malin, li in fini pran la bank Moriste pou li!"

Obeedoobeedoo, looking at himself in the mirror and fondling himself: " Yes baby, you are so pretty...Hmmm. You make me feel soooo good. If I say 'patriote" now, I will go past the point of no return...Oh God! Pa ah ha hmmm triote!!! Yes! Yes! YES!" That was so good, baby. You are the best!"  

Mercredi 19 Août 2020

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