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Paul Lismore

[Paul Lismore] A mauritian in London for the first time...


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Jeudi 6 Octobre 2022



Invariably, like so many Mauritians, he (I) has forgotten how to speak creole within a fortnight of landing in the UK. He only speaks ze Inglis now....He meets another Mauritian (M) who has been abroad for many years, and who loves to talk creole when he meets another Mauritian.

M: Eh? ki news do? Ki la vi?

I: All correct (Tou korek).... How are sings with you? You tap full here? 

M: Oui, mo korek. To fek vini?

I: Oui, since 2 weeks. I am going to crush the boja here and become rich! 

M: Bien bon. Mo kontan kan Morisiens fer progre.

I: I am well educated, I have Senior Grade 3, and I will enter the Civil Service here easily.

M: Pa tro pressee, Civil Service pa pran grade 3 ici. Al fer ene cour, gagne bon qualification.

I. Eh You Here (Eoula!). Why are you zalou, with big heart (Gro ker)? In Mauritius, my uncle makes a phone call and I can become Head of the Civil Service with my Grade 3! Top, not top? Good, not good?

M, getting quite confused now: B kifer to in vine ici alor, si a Moriste to gagne tou lavantaz?

I: Because, my stuck friend (mam kollee), ze call us chatwas zer, and I don't like it. I don't support that at all. And I want to show ze Inglis people that I speak good Inglis.

M sees his English friend in the distance and calls him, thinking " why should I suffer on my own with this idiot?") David, this is my Mauritian friend, I.

I: Good morning David. You been to Mauritius? (Mauritians love asking foreigners this question and expect them to say, "No, but I would love to. I am told it is very pretty.")

Before David answers, I continues: You should go on holiday there. Pretty bitches there.

M: Sorry David, he means beaches.

I ignores M and wants to continue to impress David: And you must taste the food. (To show his worldliness, he says perhaps the only two French phrases that English people know..) Sacre Bleu! Mon Dieu! The food is really extra. It is croustillanting! 

I is now on his bandwagon and can't stop talking...We have Rotten dol, which when served with Big peas curry and strangled katchou (brede sonz touffee), makes you want to die because you will never taste anything better. We also have roast (roti) if you do not like the Rotten dol. 

I then uses the favourite word of Mauritians abroad: We are a cosmopolitan country where we all live in peace and harmony.....You can eat Chinese food, and you must try the Upside down Bol (bol renversee) or the fish bullets (boulettes). David has now had enough of I's menu and decides to leave, but with politeness.

"M, I have a meeting now. M? M? For fuck sake, where are you? The bastard has left me here with this potato!"

I: Yes Sir, we have lovely fried potato cakes, fried onion cakes, all sorts of cakes. We are world number 1 in diabetes! As Queen used to sing, We are the champions!

David sees a policeman and tells him: Excuse me officer, I think this gentleman is lost and quite confused. He eats rotten dol with big peas. I have to go. Bye I, the nice people in white coats will look after you"...

Police Officer: Hello, hello, hello. What have we here? What seems to be the problem , sir?

I: I am a tourist in your lovely country and I want to work in the Civil Service.

Police Officer: Of course, Sir. Some nice people will take you to see the immigration officers who deal with illegal immigrants. Have a nice journey, Sir.

I: These English are husband good people. In Mauritius, the police would have told me, " Eh! Hit buttocks, go away from here (Bez fesse aller depi la!) Here, they take me to the top immigration people! 
God save the Queen, sorry King! 

Jeudi 6 Octobre 2022

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