Paul Lismore


Rédigé par Paul Lismore le Lundi 1 Juillet 2019

The National Assembly invites you tomorrow for another session of titillation, sexual inuendoes, coitus interruptus, and various sexual positions...all live in your living rooms. Sa ki apel servi nou pays!

Film aficionados will remember the Carry on Films of the sixties with Sid James and Barbara Windsor exchanging messages full of sexual innuendos and double entendres...This is the Mauritian version, played to a packed, rumbustious audience every week when a particular cinema opens its doors for short periods, every 3 months or so.

In a large, crowded amphitheatre, the main protagonists read from the same script week in week out, and the audience following the action know beforehand how the main feature film will end.

The leading actress, doing her best to look coy and alluring and promising a good time to all as long as people don't 'provocate', which is a word that symbolises the archaic surroundings as it stopped being used in the 15th century and is now obsolete. Nevertheless, the coquettish one always titillates the audience with a variation of the word that no longer exists and often tells them to 'not make provocations'. In criminal law, provocation means words or conduct leading to killing in HOT PASSION, so you can guess where this is leading to....

Now that passions have been aroused, the temptress will of course make amorous glances at those who have captured her heart, but will threaten those she does not have much time for that the goods on offer will be WITHDRAWN if they don't fer zot galan bien.

The battle is now on and the scene set for who can catch the eye of the temptress, who will do all she can to inflame matters further. " I am on my feet', she screams lasciviously, and that is often misinterpreted by the participants as an invitation to do a knee trembler; unfortunately, the crowd of idiots all sit down and refuse the invitation, which is very ungentlemanly to say the least...Perhaps someone needs to tell the macho ones that a knee trembler can only be performed when both remain standing up, or 'on her feet', as the siren call clearly stated.

We next come to the nitty gritty scene where lift off is about to take place and the level of excitement reaches a crescendo. Just when things are starting to get to the point of no return, the temptress, in a calculated show of the sadistic impulse of all dominatrixes, throws a bucket of icy water on the lucky participant and screams "Withdraw!". In true dominatrix fashion, she shouts " I order you to withdraw!". The poor, frustrated chap mumbles incoherently 'Ki withdraw? pa pou withdraw ene ferfoute! Mo in met capotes moi!'

The persistence of the main victim of the Dominatrix, Sallauddin Mohamed, in true Muslim warrior pose and now in total loss of his inhibitions and inability to move away from his erect posture, leads the temptress to raise the stakes further and to shout at the top of her voice " I order you out!" And every time the poor sap protests that 'Mo pa enkor fini! Ki out! Mo pou res la meme! Li bien bon, ici!", the dominatrix insists " I order you out!". And screams each word. I ORDER YOU OUT with added emphasis, which hardens the resolve of the poor sod who does his best to refuse to get 'out'...

To her left, a Ti Roquet constantly yapping to get the attention that it craves, yelps: " Madam, you never order me out bekoz I am never in! Zis eez not fair! As Sexpire often said, "Better in than out", although some idiots claim he was referring to farting and that expelling gas is better than keeping it inside, even in public..."

The Dominatrix looks at him with a combination of condescension and disdain, and glares at him like one would at a recalcitrant cur feeling over excited, and ti Roquet sits down, believing as usual that he has won her affections and that he would not mind a stringent session of serious whipping...

When this fails to dampen the ardour of the males dreaming of ten of the best from the sexy headmistress, and other bhai lookes want to continue to watch the hot passions on show, the Dominatrix pulls out her ace card: she knows what will get these pampered, spoilt little brats under her complete control and suspends the session. She knows that there is nothing that pleases some of them more than to be tied up, gagged, and suspended from the ceiling.

The perfect dominatrix....Poor Ayatollah Mouftah repeats what Ti Roquet has said and is telling everyone " Mo pou koz ar sheikh Saudi Arabia et fer ene complaint. Zamai temptress la dire moi 'out' parski zamai li laisse moi 'in'! Ki pa bon ar moi! " People are still in the middle of compiling a list to tell the Mouftah chap exactly what is wrong with him and hopefully the list will be completed before 2019.

Next week, same time, folks. The show will be on the road again, and the Bobok pretending to be Chief Whip will make sure you all attend, as he is right behind the dominatrix...and whispering his favourite word, 'demogazi!' repeatedly, in a vain attempt to get the dominatrix to grab his whip...

Remember this show is in town once every 3 months! The participants need a 3 months break following this once weekly hard session of sado masochism. They are the new version of the unemployed in the Seventies who were given light, paid work for 4 days, which was nicknamed "4 zours a Paris". This new breed does nothing for 6 days a week and on the seventh day, it is nothing but in, out, shake it all about, withdraw, suspend, whips, knee tremblers, provocates, provocations, etc...4 zours a Paris in vine 1 zour par semaine dan zoo.

It most certainly is not the Beatles'version of " Eight days a week"...

Lundi 1 Juillet 2019

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